Behind the white glasses

It’s raining outside, again.It’s like the weather knew exactly how I felt inside.I don’t know why I felt like this, since I knew I’m stronger.Guess, I was wrong.I try to heal up the injuries by gathered around with my love one and my friends, with all the demands that keep increasing from day to day, I thought I could put my minds away about this thing,this emotion,feeling or whatever that you called it,guess my subconscious can’t easily being manipulate like I thought it would be.It been years I have being doing the same thing, taking care of others heart’s, feeling’s with not expecting what so ever in return.Yeah, I’m very good in doing this kind of stuff, keeping others dirty little secret, and those white lies.To what end?it’s all in vain.

People always thought that me, easygoing, happy go lucky, funny type of person.But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have something call feeling and emotion.I felt angry when I’m dissatisfied, I felt sad when meet with misfortunes,I laugh harder than I cry because life is too precious to concentrate on dreadful things alone.I’m happy when I can make people smile,and laugh their arses of with my brilliant jokes.I can take jokes, either bad or good doesn’t matter but one thing I never good at is dealing with broken heart.They said broken heart can be healed, but I tell you, something that hurt so bad will leave a scar, and that scar with last forever.While I was writing this post, I was listening to Will Young’s, Leave Right Now,there are parts that even I question myself,”Why make it strong to break it once again?” and there’s another part where “Why you’re opening up a healing wounds again”, It’s a song lyric, I know.But why am I strongly attached to these two lines?Why?

I couldn’t explain it, and I knew no one could.So the easy way to deal with it ,like I always do, put up a smiley face and pretend that I don’t feel a thing.I’m heartless, didn’t I tell you?so how can I be bother with these stupid feelings?No, they are not important, there more things to reach for than with these nonsense.This what my mind told me.Minds never lie, you use it to do analysis, study , calculation and such, how can something so intelligent can deceive you?But there is something that I forgot that exist within ourselves.HEART.Do you do foolish things for the one you care about?do you rather felt hurt than felt nothing at all?Do you know why?Because HEART does things that MIND couldn’t understand.

The rain is knocking on my window and send chill down to my spine.It’s cold, as cold as my feeling right now.I went to the kitchen to grab something to drink,and on my way I accidentally knocked down something in the dark.I pick it up and it was my koala bear,I placed it gently on my bed and went outside.Wish I was the bear, at least I won’t feel a thing when my heart start to crack, again.Reach for a bar of Cadbury’s fruit and nuts chocolate, I swallowed down the chocolate bar and continue typing this post.They say that chocolate can help to increase happiness according to the tall tale, well doesn’t work for me, atleast.

I was shocked when it happened,and I don’t know, how I should felt, happy?sad?angry?disappointed? If only I had more time.I know how to read all the signs, I’m not brilliant but I ain’t stupid either.Oh god, if I had more time… maybe it was never meant to be, God already has His own plan.But I can”t lie to myself, I’m not good with lies, and I have always been a bad liar.That’s why I said to myself that honesty is the best policy, although this policy keeps getting me into trouble but I’m happy.I don’t hide anything, my feeling, my opinion, I do it with sincerity,If I don’t like something I will said it out loud.Living in lies and pretense is not worth it…live your life to the fullest, so why should we become somebody that we are not?

Through my eyes,you are a perfect distraction,pulling me from the deep hole that’s hurting me, I love the way you took the idea that I have and turn it into something amazing,It’s bunch of craps that I made up but every little details that you created makes me felt, important, once again.I almost shed a tear while reading it, stupid me, can’t you see her?Now, it won’t be fair to her, she put a smile on my face and how could I be so cruel to let her shed tears for me,Damn, you are heartless!!

What should I do?I don’t know…Will said that “I better leave right now before I fall any deeper” but I couldn’t do that, not me, not now, why not?I don’t know…. “It’s because you don’t step into love, YOU FALLS IN IT!!!!FOOLSS~~~!!”I need to do something, I won’t let her shed meaningless tears again, if I do it, I’m a cruel person,If I do it, then I’m ungrateful,If I do it, I don’t deserve anyone, and if I do it, I better leave forever”…

Don’t worry , I will fake a smile so she won’t see… :-))

P.S something stupid that I wrote in the middle of the night, something even stupid than saying 1 4 3